The snow crunches as your feet near the door.. it's dark out and everything feels asleep and off in dreams of blissful distancing of reality. And as I put my key into the lock..remembering the days when i'd come home to find the door unlocked waiting for me.. not anyone else but me.. to come home and lock it.. turn off the light in the driveway..it floods back into my head the reason why this door is locked.
and everytime i put that key in the lock.. i say a little prayer that I don't open it to find my family in blood dying infront of me as a man that does not belong stands over them laughing.. glad to see another join his party.
Everytime i come home.
you never know if your going to wake up.. and the world is a different place you live in. If i have learnt anything over the years of my life... is that when everything seems like it's not moving.. one day it'll still move.. and the day you think of as a month or two back... or a year ago.. or 3 years ago..
it seems like it was a dream of a life that was.. but was not.
where I'd have an uncle that we would look forward to visiting all day December 23rd and morning of 24th.. and then after high anticipation and lengthly paitence.. we'd see him the night of the 24th..always around 6pm~ish till about 11pm. Then.. on boxing day.. he'd always show up around 1pm or 2 to check out what we got, have a coffee with us. Then also on New Years day we'd always see him.. again coffee and good times.
For my whole life this happened every year like clock work as far back as i can remember... and yet this year.. there was a quietness and emptiness that surrounded our home.
In 3 days it will be his birthday.. and we will all miss him greatly.
it's sad.. but tomorrow never knows what it'll hit us with.. and what it'll bring.
you think you have someone you love with you..and you think you'll have them forever.. and then one day they're gone... and you slowly realize that its not for just that one day.. but for all tomorrows that will be followed.. This person is gone.
It makes me appreciative more of the moments i had with him.. always helping me to move from waterloo and back. always there for our family.. at extended family events .. he'd stick by our family just as we all stuck by each other.. clinging to each other as the imediate family we were.
He was a Hurford.. just as we were all Leidre's.
It also makes me more appreciative of the people i love now that are still with me. The friends and family i feel close to.. when i see them i am soo happy to see them. And though i still put on the face and say with a nod "Hey.. how's it going".. inside i'm thanking God that they are okay.. and that i have this moment with them.
I used to feel ready for death.. i used to feel like when it was time it was time... but now i feel like i still have some things i need to do.
And some people would read that as climbing some distant mountain on the other side of the world... but really... i feel like i need to create a piece of paper with all my personal passwords and accts on them. I feel like i need to make a list of the songs i want sung at my funeral. I feel like i need to write the song to be played at my funeral. I feel like i need to leave a note that tells my family how much i love them.
To leave a note that tells the 2 ladies i have loved in life.. over the last few years.. how much i loved them all for different reasons.. and why each was special. a note to tell the lady that remains in my life.. no matter what fight ensues or pop is thrown or distances or other people get in the way.. just how much she means to me as a friend.. and as a kindred soul that dances in life, which is still a mystery to me how it will end one day.
I wish this was the old days in Univ.. when i'd have 200 hits a day on my blog.. people wanting to know what was new.. what was up and happening..so that they could read thia and know that i love them.. but now.. i think Kim and Julia are my only readers.
It's scarey to think where we'll be in 2 years.. and how everything i am living now as day to day norms will feel like an old past that was a story of what life could be.
who will be a new person i love? will there be a new person i love?... .. who that i love today right now.. that makes my life more Matthew.. be gone.. and take that piece of Matthew as well.
I'll end there.. but with a bit of an end note.
Remember to be kind.. and to love.. not to be harsh to strangers.. not be harsh with those you love.. cause one day they'll be gone.. all of them
and one day you'll be there.. lying on your deathbed.. either surrounded by blood.. or surrounded by your own pee.. either way.. you'll be leaving too.. and the world needs you to shine while you can